I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
