Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
