recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
