i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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