i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
