All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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