Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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