Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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