It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
