and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
