My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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