So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
