I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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