I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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