I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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