I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
