u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
