Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
