i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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