He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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