Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
