SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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