i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
