bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
