I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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