dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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