Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
