masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm at about main and main street
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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