I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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