I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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