history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
