i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
