Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
