Just fell off a train. Bad.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
