My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
