I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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