I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
