I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
