Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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