the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
