Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When are your genitals available?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
