Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
