No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Found the puke drawer
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
