My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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