I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize