It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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