The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
