you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
