seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
