I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
