I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just puked most of my soul out..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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