I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
