i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
