Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
