FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
