He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
