I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize