He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
