I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
