Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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